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You can plan every detail except the weather... and the guests!.

Brilliantly funny or shockingly bad form, sometimes the wedding guests have the wedding suppliers just shaking their heads. Take a look at these examples, all of them 100% genuine and decide for yourself, funny, or dreadful.

SPOILER ALERT

We’ve all seen it, a month before the wedding and the bride is on Instabooktweet with a final fitting of the dress. It does rather take away the “wow” element of the entrance but hey, she IS the bride and it IS her wedding to leak.

When, however you see the bridesmaid’s post about the dress, or mums pictures of the table centres she’s made a week before the wedding, or just as the bride sits down for the wedding breakfast the phones come out and the world is bombarded with badly posed phone pictures of her mid yawn just before the ceremony... Surely that’s just plain tacky isn’t it?

A simple line on the Invitations “Social Media Blackout until midnight please” might be enough but there some great “no facebook” poems on etsy.

VICTOR and VICTORIA MELDREW

So often, just before the ceremony, on the greeting line or even during the bridal prep, I’ve heard “I can’t believe they are charging to park the car” “I nearly went past, the signage is awful” “Can you ask them if theres anything other than chicken”

Often a relative of the bride and 90% of the time (sorry ladies) an older female relative. Heres the bride, a bag of nerves and her Aunt Victoria is, on the the most special day of her life, moaning about the toilet roll in the loo, the steps into the lounge, the cost of a lime and soda. They can’t help themselves and theres no way to stop it but...

Smile sympathetically and say “well I hope that hasn’t ruined MY wedding day for you”. And turn away so they can’t see the smug look on your face.

THE TRAMP IN THE CORNER

Oh, cousin Dave, he’s a soul boy, he always wears a polo shirt, drainpipe jeans and Doc Martins, his brother always wears a football shirt.

Seriously? What are they, four years old?

Of course if it’s a very casual wedding, it’s fine but that’s for you to call, if you want a smart wedding, whatever your budget, you have the right to ask for it. A shirt in Asda is 6 and a tie is another 3

”Dress code, ladies Royal Ascot summer colours please, gents, smart or formal attire please”

THE LET DOWNS

It really is this simple, it you know you are unlikely to go to the wedding breakfast, say so!

It’s truly heartbreaking the amount of times I’ve seen empty seats at the wedding breakfast and the worst bit? Someone nearly always says “They did this at someone else’s wedding last month too”

The couple have spent about 50-100 to cater for each and every sit down meal. theres the food, the venue dressing, the invitations and it’s all money that people let them throw away because it clashes with football match, the X factor final or they don’t want to spend 25 on a dog sitter for the day.

Most Brides and Grooms actually know who’s most likely to be a no show, because those people do it all the time. Top tip? Don’t invite them to the wedding breakfast, just to the evening bash and don’t count them in the catering arrangements. Spend that money on honeymoon.

THE AGGRESSIVE DRUNK

Every family has one guest who turns up, has 3 pints and then starts a louder and louder “discussion” The later it gets, the louder they get and it always ends in a big argument, a fight or someone crying.

 

“I’m really sorry but we’ve had to trim back guests due to the cost” is a great line, and stick to it.

THE CHEAPSKATE

Theres always one guest who thinks you are there to subsidise him. The wine gets taken off the tables at the room, turnaround. Food gets wrapped in napkins even before the buffet is opened, he’s always there when the groom gets a round in and the present, if there is one, is a 4.99 bottle in a 99p bag with a tag that looks like it’s been used before.

Like most of these players, you even know who it is as you read this, if it’s you, you’re kidding NOBODY

Having two wedding lists is the key, one with all the big stuff on it, one with lots of 20-50 things on it. Vague things like “argos vouchers” are on the big stuff list. The cheapskates and the pensioners get the 20 list, after all, another George Forman Grill won’t spoil, but the cheap wine tastes foul!

SCREAMERS

Babies at weddings have always been a fact of life, it’s a young (often) family being formed and they are surrounded by other young families, and why not.

The couple have laboured long and hard to choose or even write vows that suit them perfectly and then, all you can hear is a six-month-old in the front row screaming the house down. Then another joins in, then a 10 year old starts running around because, well, why not?

A comfortable quiet space at the back of the room, and the words from the best man, or the registrar, “She seems uncomfortable, theres a sofa at the back” will prod all but the most insensitive of parent to take five minutes out to settle the baby..

THE CAST OF EASTENDERS

SELDOM A PROBLEM AT THE WEDDING, often a royal pain in the butt in the lead-up to it.  “Well, if She's going, I shan't be there” “Don’t sit me near him!”

What you you do. Bert and John fell out over a creme egg in 1998, Sharon and Jim were once married and Jim is fine with Sharon’s new guy, but another relative has a problem with it...

Remember, this is YOUR wedding, the focus is on YOU and not the handful of guests who are unable to behave like adults

It’s hard, but sometimes a simple “Oh, that’s a shame, I really wanted you to be there” Makes it clear. Your day, your way or simply stay away...

THE OTHER BRIDE

Most ladies get it.

The bride will be wearing white and ONLY the bride will be wearing white. Unfortunately, cousin Chardonnay has just spent 50 on a spray tan and needs to show it off and has a lovely white lacy dress she bought for a weekend in Kos 2 years ago.

The only thing worst is the guest that turns up in what is clearly a bridesmaid dress from a wedding 3 weeks ago that THIS bride was also a bridesmaid at,  and yes, it happens.

I have no idea how you can prevent this apart from a well timed facebook post “so excited to be the only “Lady in the White Dress” on Saturday . The other thing is to politely ask the ladies to wear a specific “theme” colour, some great photos come out of everyone wearing a different shade of blue with just the happy couple standing out in Black and White.

THE UNOFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER

The official photographer has a name for him. it’s “Uncle Bob”

Whatever camera the photographer has, Uncle Bob has a better one and, just so that everyone knows it, he’s got a huge white lens on the front of it.

Uncle Bob comes in 2 flavours, “Get in the way of the real photographer” and “Nice kit but no idea”

Every group shot you have has Uncle bob at the back with is camera bag or missing completely because he’s at the front annoying the real photographer.

You just have to live with it but if your own Uncle Bob is any good, he might want to take the photographs as a wedding present for you. Little tip though, about 25% of a wedding photographers work happens on the wedding day, the really skillful stuff is what takes a month or more to complete after the wedding.

JOHN PEEL the INDIE DJ

Wedding DJ’s are a curious bunch, half of what they play is “cheese” to someone but it’s all about getting a happy mood, getting people talking, and later on, dancing.

The family “John Peel” is all over the DJ and it’s a guaranteed party killer.

It starts off with “Hey mate, if you play some Shed Seven the floor will be full”

it moves into interrupting a full dancefloor to play “Champagne Supernova”

And to get there it passes through “I’m a DJ” “Play it next because I’m going in a minute” and “The bride has asked for it”

It kills the party stone dead and no-one, not even him (90% chance of it being a bloke) can dance to any of the stuff he’s insisting on. The female version incidentally, is 45 years old, drunk and insisting on “top 40 music” or whatever this years trend is.

Book a professional wedding DJ, give him a nice sensible list of 30 tunes you really must have and 60 you really mustn't and tell him “I'm the customer, not my pillock cousin, not my drunk bridesmaid”  Top Tip:- Unless you book Jive Bunny as your DJ, 17 songs per hour is about a full show.

You can’t eliminate every annoying guest from your wedding, it’s just not possible.

Booking professional suppliers, keeping an eye on costs and avoiding the drama queens will at least keep the stress levels manageable and theres a lot to be said for that.

 

Whatever you do though, soak up every last bit of the experience, this is YOUR DAY and theres nothing wrong with reminding people of that... just occasionally.

 

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